In the early days of this blog, I wrote about a friend of mine. John. He took his life because he was depressed. And I have never been the same since:
When I heard about Robin Williams yesterday evening. I felt that same gaping nothingness in my heart as I did when I heard what happened to John.
I have never been so effected by the death of a person I had no concrete physical relationship with ever before. I always feel pity for Celebrities who we hear about committing suicide. I am not naive. I know that all the money and fame in the world can not buy happiness. That is absolutely true. It can only buy the illusion of it.
I want so badly for things like this to never happen to another person. I want so badly to tell people, like John and Robin, please come to me. I’ll talk to you, I’ll stay with you as long as you need me to. Just please don’t extinguish your light.
Depression is real. I have felt, its distant cold touch, just once in my life. I have a fire inside my heart that refuses to burn out, so it left me…I don’t know why…and I’m not sure if it will ever come back. I pray to everything I have ever held dear, that it never does.
But I know that it feels like being at the bottom of a deep dark hole and knowing that no one will ever be coming to get you out.
I know it doesn’t matter how strong you are, how pretty you are, how smart you are or how rich you are. Your own MIND will not let you leave that place for any reason. You are always there.
I know that, “Just cheer up” doesn’t work. I know that being angry with them after they are gone doesn’t work either.
I can’t tell you when I began seeing Robin Williams on TV. Probably, since I am in my 40’s, it was on Mork an Mindy.
He has played so many roles during the years of my life. I can not remember ever disliking any of them.
There was one in particular, John Keating, who made such a profound impact on my life that this very blog is a product of it.
After seeing Dead Poet’s Society, I became what I am today. A writer.
That movie spoke to something deep inside my soul that lit a spark which is now a raging inferno.
Williams’ portrayal of Keating, showed me how to unlock what was deep inside me. Writing for writing’s sake. Not worrying about it being “good” or “bad”….just write.
“We don’t read and write poetry because we think it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless… of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” Answer. That you are here – that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? ”
That quote still brings tears to my eyes because it is so very true.
And I can’t help but read it in Robin’s voice in my head.
I don’t want this powerful play to go on without him. But it will.