Then a Hero comes along…….

 

lisa

I don’t want to post this.

I want “Queen of Hearts” to stay at the top of my posting list.
It made me cry to write it, but they were good tears.

I don’t want to look at my posting list and see this one up there.
But if I don’t write this out, It’s going to tear my insides out.

My Sister entered the hospital a little over 3 weeks ago due to complications with her MS (multiple sclerosis)
Since then She’s been in a state of continuing flux between being slightly better off than when she got there, and slipping back down into a nearly comatose state.
They’ve tried several methods of trying to bring her back to a self-sustaining status.
But so far nothing has worked more than a day or so.
Those days have been good and I’ve been able to at least talk to her a little during those times.
I even had to fuss at her a little bit, last week, about Her attitude concerning the whole ordeal. She had been snapping at people, including my Mom, when they were trying to just make sure she had everything she needed. I had to sit with her for an hour or so while My Aunt was coming to take over for my Mom (staying with her)
Once my Mom left the room, I talked to Her
I told her I understood how frustrating it was to be here..and how people are always coming in and out of the room, poking and prodding you, making you move around when all you want to do is sleep…making you take pills and trying to feed you all the time. And I know We (meaning my family and I) are a little annoying always asking if you are ok and if you need anything. But you have to understand, that’s all we can do….there is nothing else we can do to help you. So we have to latch on to the one thing where we can make a difference. I told her, I didn’t care if she wanted to snap at me, or my dad..but I asked her to please have some more patience with my Mom. Because she is scared.
She asked me, “Of what?”
I told her, “that you are not going to get any better.”
She answered, “That’s life.”
I responded, “NO, that’s bullshit. because if it were one of your girls lying here in this bed you’d feel the same way.”
We didn’t talk much after that for about 5 minutes at least. Then she nodded her head a couple of times.
I told her I wanted to make sure she understood me.
She said she did.
I did, at least get to tell her that I loved her, before I left.

They are transferring her to ICU today. Mostly because she is not showing any signs of regaining any of the functions that the MS has shut down during this latest attack.
Also she is showing signs of losing more cognitive functions…making it harder to communicate.

They no longer believe that this is just a problem with the MS..They think there are other things going on too….
I am relieved that being in ICU She will be under constant monitoring
I am devastated that being in ICU means she will be all but Isolated from Me
I’ll be totally dependent on whatever information I can get from anyone who actually get’s it…and If I’m being honest, most of the people I go to for information about what is happening are so shell-shocked…they can’t deliver any coherent information to me…and I can’t really ask too many questions.
So here I sit.
Thinking this morning, probably torturing myself, I remembered the night of my wedding.
She asked to dance with me, and I thought it was a little strange. Since, as I said in my earlier posting about her, we were never very close. NEVER close enough to have physical contact like would be involved in dancing together. But, I passed it off as some traditional thing that I didn’t know about…and of course I accepted.
She had requested “Hero” by Mariah Carey

Music started, We began to dance. She put her head on my shoulder and I never looked her in the eye. I did know that she was sobbing into my rented tuxedo jacket the entire time. Awkwardly adjusting my arms around Her back, trying to maintain a shuffling, wobbling circle…I looked down a few times but only saw the top of Her head and the hair-sprayed strands that kept poking into my chin like little wires.

When the dance was over I hugged her and she went back across the room to find my Mom and Dad.
It was a wedding, people cry..sometimes they drink too much and cry for no reason…no big deal. She was happy for me. That was sweet.  -let’s continue……

Then one day the song came on the radio and I listened to the words.

Wow…what a fucking moron…..it took me all that time to understand what happened there that night…. and I had missed the whole damn thing right under my nose…

some fucking….all powerful “heart at the front line” poet I was, right?

I was always the one that attached sentiment to song….
I was always the one that made the gesture…
I was always the one that was the touchy-feely person who wanted to express his emotions…larger than life….

So that’s where my head is today…where it has been since early this morning when I talked to my Dad about what’s been going on…..

I’m absolutely not giving up on Hope…and I certainly am NOT beating myself up about this.

Just needed to get some air out before the balloon pops.

“Hero”
by Mariah Carey

There’s a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don’t have to be afraid
Of what you are
There’s an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It’s a long, road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don’t let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time you’ll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

 

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About Eric

Writer/Plumber/Poet/Father/Gentleman/Romantic
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35 Responses to Then a Hero comes along…….

  1. Ms. Vee says:

    This really touched my heart. She is a lovely young lady, and extremely brave. Your hero that I see as a strong Queen! I am sorry you’re hurting. God bless the both of you. Thank you for sharing these difficult words. ❤❤

  2. Geetha B says:

    The post is heartbreaking and I feel so sorry for all of you. Please do not berate your sister for her attitude, you really need to just enjoy the time with her and not ask her whether she needs anything. I know you feel inadequate and it makes you all feel less so by asking such questions but for an active person to be lying there and knowing that perhaps this is all she gets to do before she slowly slips away, losing not just the action but life itself, it is normal that she is irritable. It is not the time to make her feel guilty, just ask your mother and everyone around to stop asking her if she needs anything or fussing around her. All you need to do is be there by her side, smile, hug if you can , try to get your love across in glances. Words are not always necessary. This is a time for all of you to be strong, loving and forgiving. I pray that she may recover a bit again so that you have some respite again for a while. Keep well and strong. Just let it be a time of love and sharing time together.

  3. ***tears*** streaming and mascara is everywhere. That post had me crying in the very beginning. Eric, it was so important to tell her you knew how frustrating it was for her to he there. When you’re in the hospital it can be humiliating and anxious. You’re being told what to eat, where to sleep, what to take, and the endless poking and prodding. It’s bad enough when you’re on a regular floor but in ICU…. It’s every 2 hours if not every hour. I know she is where she needs to be. However, it’s extremely hard on a person’s soul. Especially if you have children you are worried about at home. I’m not sure how old her girls but I know they are on her mind all day. No matter how prepared you are about the what ifs…. Nothing prepares you like being in a hospital bed. (Tears) ….. When your independence is taken away it’s a debilitating feeling. It’s hard to muster up the thoughts of anything positive.
    I want to thank you for showing her the compassion you showed her. I have no doubt she has cried about it since. 🙂
    I wish I could wave a magic wand and make her healthy. I know your mother and father are beside themselves. Nothing makes someone feel more helplessness than seeing your child in a hospital bed. Especially without given many answers. My heart goes out to you all..
    I am not sure when your wedding was. Not sure what her diagnosis/prognosis was. I can tell you this… When someone is given a life changing diagnosis …Every little occasion is bittersweet.
    Hearing how she requested that song makes me find you so endearing. (More than I already do) ❤️
    My heart is truly aching with you. ((((Eric)))) hope you can feel my love and support. 😢💔❤️

  4. Forgive the long post. It touched me deeply.

  5. Rita says:

    Sweet brother, I have no words to adequately tell you how much I am moved at this moment. I feel your heart beating and it’s overwhelming me. You know how I feel about you and I am crying out for your Sister as loudly as I can.

    We will walk together through the storm. My love to you, Rita

  6. I’ve been sitting here trying to write you a message, but I have no words to express my heartfelt thoughts. My heart goes out to you and your sister. ❤️❤️❤️

  7. DeRicki Johnson says:

    Thanks for sharing this Eric. It really moved me.

  8. I’m sorry. MS is a bitch. My best friend has it. I’m praying for your sister. Don’t beat yourself over the past. Just live for the now. Love her. Support her. Hopefully, she will be out of ICU soon. Love and light xo

  9. sirenlost says:

    We are strangers in life, but friends through our words. But there are no words I can offer … I hope you can feel the hug and love, though.

  10. I don’t know what to say, but I feel it’s important to add to the support you’re receiving here. The most recent comment by sirenlost: We are strangers in life, but friends through our words. But there are no words I can offer.

    I feel the same – thinking of you, your sister and the rest of your family in this painfully difficult time. And trying, best I can, to hug you with words. ❤

  11. Love, prayers and, hugs to you. Life’s not fairy sometimes. All we can do is try to bear it and muddle through. ❤

  12. I keep tying, deleting, retyping… It’s stupid, really. I’m crying. I don’t know what to say. I can’t DO anything. I’m frustrated and angry (because you know I have a temper) and this sucks. But I don’t want to bring you down with my “I’m so sorry!” but I am… ❤ So sorry.

  13. moonskittles says:

    May I offer you a hug?? A sister’s heart for her brother.. sigh.. I know this sentiment all to well. She is in my prayers Eric!

    • Eric says:

      I will happily take any form of comfort at this point. It has been extremely painful dealing with this so far, and at what is usually so happy a time of year for me and my family.
      Thank you, Dajena. Your sympathy and understanding is beyond words. ❤

  14. J.D. Estrada says:

    Life offers such challenging lessons… but throughout, music has a way of making itself felt throughout… we really do have soundtracks to our lives. I’m sending you and yours positive thoughts and keeping hope up, because it is a choice I will always choose. Cheers

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