Theatrical Junkfood…

So I think I’ve loaded “the feels” up here quite thick lately…so I figure now would be a good time to do something fun. I was going to do the next Relics of the Heart but, alas…the next two piece have kind of a somber tone. So I put that on the back burner and decided to go with this…

Everyone has their own way to make themselves feel better. Some call them “guilty pleasures” and it can be anything from music to food to books to movies. Just something that pulls them out of a funk and makes them feel better again.

I consider mine kind of a “Theatrical Junkfood.” It’s one of those things that you look at and you might say, “Why would anyone subject themselves to this willingly?”

and I will freely admit that it is probably the worst thing I have seen in all of my 44 years of tv and movie viewing….

It’s called:

517E6V2CK7LStreets of Fire

It has, what amounts to, a script that I would have written in a spiral notebook back in my highschool days. (and I think I actually did)

It is so terrible..it’s beyond words to describe just how bad it is
but you know what?
I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!

alright, alright….

let’s go through this magnificent steaming pile of really bad acting and writing that I can’t get away from….

here’s our story and like the tag-line suggests under the title…it’s a rock and roll fable…so I think it’s probably the music that gets me through it….no, I know it’s the music that gets me through it….and one other thing:

rywxvwh8jomkj8mvDiane Lane

She is our Damsel in distress…Aka Ellen Aim. A locally grown Pop-Star from the NYC Borough of Richmond. She comes home to play a gig at the local theater…kinda like “giving back” to her hometown fans and community. Why is she in distress? Because:

willem-dafoe-gets-the-horn-streets-of-fireWillem DaFoe

Our dasterdly villain….aka “Raven”. Who leads a biker gang called “The Bombers” and for some unknown reason, I have been wracking my brain for about 30ish years to figure out, wants Ellen Aim…but only for “a couple of weeks” as he describes later. In fact, he wants her so badly…he storms the stage in the middle of her concert and simply takes her away.
Yep….exactly…..i have no idea….*blink* *blink*…..anyway…we at least get to some of the awesome music that I mentioned here:

…and as you can imagine. A kidnapped girl has to have a rescuer. So, through another heartthrob of mine from 80’s movies:

210004557Deborah Van Valkenburgh

Aka…Reva Cody….we are lead to our Valiant Anti-Hero and champion of really bad one-liners

Streets of Fire2Michael Pare’

Aka…Tom Cody… who is a former soldier and who comes home because his baby sister sends him a telegram asking him to rescue Ellen…

Which leads us to him being hired by, and teaming up with, this guy:

STREETS OF FIRE, Rick Moranis, 1984, (c)Universal Pictures

STREETS OF FIRE, Rick Moranis, 1984, (c)Universal Pictures

Aka…Billy Fish…Who is Ellen’s manager/boyfriend. Now..what would make this even cheesier is…if Ellen and Tom Cody..Always referred to as Cody….had a previous history.

BING!

We have a winner.

So this duo of Grumpy AntiHero and pasty executive loudmouth is absolute GOLD for a wonderful endless well of back and forth insults and bantering. And I tell you…there are some real gems! Like prime A, Cubic Zirconia….wow…..

oh, I almost forgot…throw in this character:

STREETS OF FIRE, Amy Madigan, 1984, (c)Universal Pictures

STREETS OF FIRE, Amy Madigan, 1984, (c)Universal Pictures

Aka….McCoy. Who is the scrappy, scruffy…grease-monkey tomboy firecracker.

I tell you…there is so much magic on the screen…it’s unbelievable!!!!!

So this trio sets off now, to get Ellen back…..
And as fate would have it…Billy Fish knows that they must be holding her at a place called Torchy’s.

Torchy’s….the Bomber’s HQ….a bar…in the middle of a fucking Steel Plant or something….

Seriously….it’s in the middle of a factory….and Fish even mentions that. Who the?…what the?…..huh?…..ok…let’s move on.

So Cody, McCoy and Fish infiltrate the Bomber’s hide out…and with blowing up about half of the place…..they finally manage to get away with Ellen in tow.

Then the quickly decide…that they need to dump the car…and get under-ground..
which leads to them somehow finding 1980’s land…like…in the middle of 1950ish NYC…here is this 1980 land…seriously…check it out….There’s like 1000 madonna and prince look-a-likes hanging out on the street…WTF is going on?

 

So like I said…If it wasn’t for Diane Lane…looking like that…even though I know she is lip sinking to Fire Inc’s “Sorcerer”…I think I would have abandoned this a long time ago…..
Nah…I can’t help it…I STILL LOVE THIS CHEEZY MOVIE!!!

we also meet Elizabeth Daily (Baby Doll – Ellen’s biggest fan) who you might recognize as Dotty from PeeWee’s Big Adventure. and Stony Jackson..(Bird) who is the lead singer for a mow-townish band called the Sorels. I think Stony Jackson is probably the only person in this entire movie with acting talent…I still laugh at his banter with Cody when he pulls the gun on them to take the bus.

So now Fish, Cody, Ellen, McCoy, Baby Doll and all four of the Sorels are trying to get back to Richmond and stay away from the Bombers….

But as fate would have it…they make it back only to find that Raven and Crew know exactly where they are and Raven wants Cody to face him in a fight to the finish over Ellen.

Cody, taking page 106 from the Idiots guide to AntiHero, decides all he wants is his money and he’s leaving town…

Guilt confronts loyalty and feelings….he has a change of heart…goes to Ellen and tells her he doesnt want the money..”have a nice life”
Ellen, chases him out into the street and of course we have our gratuitous kiss in the rain:

Followed by gratuitous SUGGESTED love scene…as the two talk in bed..about old feelings…ETC. STILL WITH SOAKING WET SKIN AND HAIR!

Then comes Cody saying he’s not gonna stay and fight Raven…*wink wink wink wink wink* (you get the idea) which leads to him and McCoy trying to get Ellen to safety “Out of the Richmond”

tom-cody-on-trainWhich leads to Cody knocking Ellen out with a right hook. Excuse me? Yes, he punches his old flame in the face to knock her out to “keep her safe” and leaves her with McCoy.

and then goes back to confront Raven…..and I can’t tell you about this fight…You have to see it..BUT THERE ARE NO GOOD CLIPS OF IT ONLINE!!! They fight with sledgehammers…..WTF!!! yes, sledgehammers…then fists…then Raven gets knocked out…the neighborhood stands united and the Bombers are driven away!!!

then we get back to the good stuff like the music in the final parts of the movie…

Ellen gives another performance and perhaps my favorite song in the entire thing:

Tonight is what it means to be young:

and this one..performed by the Sorels…who have now joined up with Ellen’s tour…..which some of you might have heard before:

I can dream about you:

 

and in the end, Everyone ends up where they are supposed to be…Evil has been sent away to lick its wounds…..and all is right with the universe.

Make no mistake…this movie is trash…but God damn it, I love it.

And sitting there watching it…and forgetting about my own universe for a while…makes me feel better. πŸ™‚

 

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About Eric

Writer/Plumber/Poet/Father/Gentleman/Romantic
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53 Responses to Theatrical Junkfood…

  1. VictoryInTrouble says:

    That first clip has a lot of what you were talking about- the fight with sledgehammers and the kiss in the rain, even kissing in bed with wet hair. LOL. You should write movie reviews. πŸ™‚ I want to see it no matter how bad you say it is. πŸ˜€ I bet we all have cheesy movies that we love. He punches her in the face, lol. OMG.
    I’m glad it makes you feel better. Do you own it or is it available somewhere to see?

    • Eric says:

      Thanks, Vic. I own it through Amazon.com but I don’t think you can see it anywhere for free right now. It was, I think, $3 to rent it on Amazon. not sure about netflix or others. πŸ™‚ I’m glad you enjoyed the review. ❀

  2. You know, I could barely read your description of it! Holy shit! That sounds awful! And Diane Lane is fabulous (she is cast to play me in the movie of my life) 😜Oh I am laughing so hard! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  3. Geetha B says:

    “It’s so much better going nowhere fast”, lol. I sometimes sit and watch cheesy movies too as it lifts my mood. I’m guessing this could have easily been one of those πŸ˜€

    • Eric says:

      Thank you, Geetha. Yes, I have a lot of others I enjoy watching too. I think I relax because I don’t have to do a lot to pay attention to the story…there really isn’t one. Lol!

      • Geetha B says:

        I actually replied to you from my phone but that disappeared. I was saying that I guess it is nice because it allows one’s brain to finally rest πŸ˜€

  4. Elizabeth Helmich says:

    This was so funny Eric, nice to see this lighthearted side of you. I wasn’t sure if I could handle another gut-punch from you right now. I’ve never seen this movie, and I’m completely sure now that I don’t need to. πŸ˜‰
    You reminded me of last year, I had a really bad cold one day, and while stuck on the couch I watched Flash Gordon for the first time ever. I just about died laughing, now that’s up there on my awesome/horrible movies list! Shoot…now I just remembered the theme song. Ugh.
    Thanks for the laugh!

  5. This is hilarious! I’m a bit concerned about myself because I really want to see this movie now. Even though you didn’t start with “spoiler alert”! I’m kidding — I don’t think knowing the “plot” would take away from the movie at all…!

    And I thought my escape/guilty pleasure was bad… πŸ˜€

  6. Geetha B says:

    The comments are almost as hilarious as your post itself πŸ™‚

  7. This is so awesome. Hilarious. Ridiculous. Can this be a thing? Theatrical Junkfood? It should be a thing. Like a series. Please. It’s brilliant. πŸ˜„ #mast

  8. jennyhayut says:

    I think you may have sold me on this. You should be a reviewer! I have my own fair share of cheesy movies I can’t part with. Thinking back, The Princess Bride being the first. And yes sonetimes it is the music that keeps me alive in a film. Matter of factly, I’ve been known to go watch a movie in the theatre that would normally not be of interest to me but for the soundtrack! I’m a silly girl, but i like my music! Thanks for sharing. πŸ˜‰

  9. moonskittles says:

    Never seen it, but sounds funny. Now, only if I could attach your voice to the video I think I would enjoy it more πŸ™‚

  10. If only all movie reviews were done this way. Excellent Eric.

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